This is surely gonna be a long one. I've been crushing deep inside. No matter how hard I try to be happy, it just wouldn't happen. I've been losing connections to the two closest persons in my life. Everyday, as I go home at my dorm. It always feels empty. Well, I am alone anyway. But that's not the "emptiness" that I feel. I feel void and null. I go to school, go to class, see people, see these two close persons and it feels ____. That's it. Lately, I always feel down and depressed. I lost the inspiration to even get out of my bed unlike how I used to jump off it, feeling the excitement of the new day. Now, i just want to stay at my place, in bed and hide underneath the covers, away from the world outside. Also, lately, i find myself wanting to talk to those persons but everytime I try to, words just refuse to come out. When i go home at night, I usually pass by somebody's place. When I'm there, I am able to smile and laugh and talk not about how I've been feeling though. But at least, within those few hours, I am able to smile again. That person doesn't know it. Siguro kaya ganoon.
I don't feel the connection I once had with you and you. i don't know why this is happenning all at the same time. I feel so lost and empty. I am such a mess once more. I don't know who to talk to anymore. The person i used to talk to... Well, it just doesn't feel the same way anymore. I feel like you don't understand me anymore. I cannot say what I feel anymore to you. I always find myself unable to express my deepest emotions to you, unlike before. That's why I miss the "first year you" too. I don't get it. As you've said, maybe we've grown. Sure, we have. it just feels like I don't know you anymore. I'm sorry but you don't seem as real as you used to. I feel like a wall has been set up and now I couldn't come as close as I used to. It feels sad because I know you're there but I couldn't quite reach you anymore.
As for the other person close to my heart as well. I have no idea what's going on. I've lost that connection too or at least, i couldn't find it lately, anymore. I know it here somewhere, but we misplaced it, i guess. I've been trying to reach out, you don't even see or feel it pala. Paano, no matter how hard I try, i couldn't reach it. I couldn't reach you. I don't know what to do.
I don't want to lose you both.
Someone just tokd me, "look at the bright side of things". That hit me. Why is it so damn hard for me to do so lately. I was once the optimist before. I miss it. I miss smiling and truly meaning it. I miss laughing my heart out. I miss the way I see the brighter side of things. I miss wanting to get up every morning. I miss feeling inspired. I miss the way the smallest of things make me happy. I miss eveything that I once was with the two of you filling up whatever void life has given me. I miss you both so much that it hurts so bad and no one can seem to understand the pain that I feel inside because even I cannot understand it.
I have a blackhole deep inside me and it is consuming me slowly. The pain it brings is unbearable. It hurts so much. No matter how much tears I shed, it won't go away. No matter how hard I try to feel happy, it just hurts even more.
miggy. michee*. michellette. different names, different facades. one whole complicated individual underneath the blanket of stars hoping that one day i could hold one.
:: Michelle Loves ::the stars. the wide sky. love itself. the journey. and maybe the destination.
:: Random Thoughts ::chocolates. sweets. hugs. kisses. smiles. laughter. tears. painful knowledge. truth. honesty. cookies. love. alone. friends.
:: Stars falling, An angel hoping ::staring at the wide sky. walking underneath the stars. enduring the journey -- loving it, hating it, not sure of the destination. i continue to walk, covering ground while the stars fall, and i continue to hope...