This is surely gonna be a long one. I've been crushing deep inside. No matter how hard I try to be happy, it just wouldn't happen. I've been losing connections to the two closest persons in my life. Everyday, as I go home at my dorm. It always feels empty. Well, I am alone anyway. But that's not the "emptiness" that I feel. I feel void and null. I go to school, go to class, see people, see these two close persons and it feels ____. That's it. Lately, I always feel down and depressed. I lost the inspiration to even get out of my bed unlike how I used to jump off it, feeling the excitement of the new day. Now, i just want to stay at my place, in bed and hide underneath the covers, away from the world outside. Also, lately, i find myself wanting to talk to those persons but everytime I try to, words just refuse to come out. When i go home at night, I usually pass by somebody's place. When I'm there, I am able to smile and laugh and talk not about how I've been feeling though. But at least, within those few hours, I am able to smile again. That person doesn't know it. Siguro kaya ganoon.
I don't feel the connection I once had with you and you. i don't know why this is happenning all at the same time. I feel so lost and empty. I am such a mess once more. I don't know who to talk to anymore. The person i used to talk to... Well, it just doesn't feel the same way anymore. I feel like you don't understand me anymore. I cannot say what I feel anymore to you. I always find myself unable to express my deepest emotions to you, unlike before. That's why I miss the "first year you" too. I don't get it. As you've said, maybe we've grown. Sure, we have. it just feels like I don't know you anymore. I'm sorry but you don't seem as real as you used to. I feel like a wall has been set up and now I couldn't come as close as I used to. It feels sad because I know you're there but I couldn't quite reach you anymore.
As for the other person close to my heart as well. I have no idea what's going on. I've lost that connection too or at least, i couldn't find it lately, anymore. I know it here somewhere, but we misplaced it, i guess. I've been trying to reach out, you don't even see or feel it pala. Paano, no matter how hard I try, i couldn't reach it. I couldn't reach you. I don't know what to do.
I don't want to lose you both.
Someone just tokd me, "look at the bright side of things". That hit me. Why is it so damn hard for me to do so lately. I was once the optimist before. I miss it. I miss smiling and truly meaning it. I miss laughing my heart out. I miss the way I see the brighter side of things. I miss wanting to get up every morning. I miss feeling inspired. I miss the way the smallest of things make me happy. I miss eveything that I once was with the two of you filling up whatever void life has given me. I miss you both so much that it hurts so bad and no one can seem to understand the pain that I feel inside because even I cannot understand it.
I have a blackhole deep inside me and it is consuming me slowly. The pain it brings is unbearable. It hurts so much. No matter how much tears I shed, it won't go away. No matter how hard I try to feel happy, it just hurts even more.
I hate waking up the next morning feeling bad or horrible or whatever. That is why I hate sleeping in on a problem or when I'm still not at peace or depressed. I'm the type of person who needs to talk about things. Yup, extrovert. Ayokong tinutulugan ang sama ng loob kasi kahit na it prevents you from fighting with someone or lashing out or crying or pagdadrama, it makes me feel bad the next day. And I hate waking up in a bad mood. It affects how I deal with the day at ang bigat niya sa puso. Ayun lang. So kung may matarayan ako today, sorry... hindi ito PMS.
Ang tagal ko nang hindi nagsusulat dito... Ang hectic ko na... Wala rin kasi akong PC eh... RSF baby to... Hay... O nga pala, ATE TRICIA, salamat sa pagtulong mo sa akin. Ahlabshu! Hmm...
Ano pa ba? May test ako sa Theatre History tom... Included and oroginal text ng Midsummer Night's Dream... Isang part pa lang ito ng test. Wala akong kopya. Good luck Michelle. Kinakabahan ako sa test. Pati sa raffle... Somebody help me. Hmm... approval na ng actual costumes later sa class si Sir Bernal. Pag hindi nahanap yung designs ko ng actors, bago na naman. 14 designs yun. sana kahit kalahati may nahanap sila at i-approve ni sir... Hmm... ay, yung makette (miniture stage-- parang minutre building ng mga archi...) namain, mukhang maganda. dito lang ako naaaliw! hehe... ang saya gawin kahit na 6 hours ang nauubos sa kin dito... May progress na ang group ko... Oh no, history group paper, delayed sa sched na ginawa ko. Aargh!!! tapos, B lang ang second paper ko sa history. good enough kasi hindi naman ako pumunta dun (hehe). pero, compared sa first paper, mababa, considering my long test pa. 3, kailangan ko ng 3 this sem... kundi, goodbye ACIL na ko... Ay, shucks, may orals din pala ko sa Philo this week.... Waaaaaahhhh!!!! Wala naman akong naiintindihan sa philo. after each philo class, lumalabas ako ng na-rattle ang paradigm ko... So, technically, ginugulo lang ako ng Philo. Grabe, lahat na ng resources dito, gagamitin ko na- consultations, groups study, lumang notes ni Bea. Yun.
Hmm.. beginning pa lang ng week... And I'll make sure this day goes well!!! (hehehe)...
ay, birthday pala ng dalawang iggy and igi today! Mga younger brothers nina Kia at Bea respectively. Creepy noh? HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
miggy. michee*. michellette. different names, different facades. one whole complicated individual underneath the blanket of stars hoping that one day i could hold one.
:: Michelle Loves ::the stars. the wide sky. love itself. the journey. and maybe the destination.
:: Random Thoughts ::chocolates. sweets. hugs. kisses. smiles. laughter. tears. painful knowledge. truth. honesty. cookies. love. alone. friends.
:: Stars falling, An angel hoping ::staring at the wide sky. walking underneath the stars. enduring the journey -- loving it, hating it, not sure of the destination. i continue to walk, covering ground while the stars fall, and i continue to hope...